You are Not Worthless

So, I’m supposed to be writing. I’m supposed to be sitting at my keyboard typing away for the next article in the series.

And instead, I’m playing solitaire on my computer. No words are coming. I’m trying to bleed onto the page, but all that’s coming out is dust.

Frankly, I’m tired. I’m spent. I’ve pushed myself hard this last week, and now there’s nothing left.

So, now what?

I’m supposed to be a writer. I’m supposed to be a pastor that can just pour out God’s Word and application for your life. I’m supposed to combine those talents to put together articles that will help people.

But the page is empty.

I’m supposed to be a husband, but I can’t even handle hugging my wife. I’m overstimulated to the point I can’t handle human contact. I can’t play with my kids. I feel this pressure on the back of my head, and I just can’t be with people any more.

What am I?

I’m not what I should be, that’s for sure. I’m a failure. I’m a fraud. I’m a fake.

Worthless.

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And I wrap this identity around myself like a shawl. If I can’t be what I’m supposed to be, I am worth nothing. No, not even worth nothing. I am nothing.

My wife should leave me. My ministry should abandon me. And writing? What am I thinking, trying to write anything that anyone else might find useful?

I’m nothing. A husk. An empty, lifeless thing that looks like a pastor and a husband and a father and a writer. But I know the truth.

And the Truth knows me.

The Truth knows all the ways I define myself… and yet he wraps his arms around me. “That’s not who you are,” the Truth whispers. “You are redeemed. I paid for you, not with silver or gold. I paid for you with my holy, precious blood. I paid for you with my innocent suffering and death. And I don’t have buyer’s remorse.” (1 Peter 1:18-19)

I shake my head and back away, burned by the brightness of his love. He should not have paid for me. It hurts too much.

The Truth smiles. “When your heart condemns you, I am greater than your heart,” he says. (1 John 3:20)

But what am I supposed to trust if not my heart?

“There is nothing as deceptive as the human heart. But there’s no deceit in my mouth,” the Truth says. (Jeremiah 17:9, I Peter 2:22)

But I am worthless.

“I have paid for you. I do not regret it.”

But.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

I fall into his arms, too tired to fight him. And he carries me. I cannot bear my own weight, but he has carried me since the beginning.

Tonight I cannot write. Tonight I fail to be a husband or a father or a pastor.

But tonight I am his child. Tonight I am not worthless, because my worth is not in what I do. My worth is not in carrying out the duties of my vocations.

My worth is in who paid for me.

And he will heal me so I can pick up those duties again, but they will not define my worth. He does. I will write again, because the Truth knows me and loves me anyway. And I will be a husband again, because he has blessed me with a Bride. And I will be a father again, because he has given me children. And I will be a pastor again, because he has given me a call to do so.

But none of that defines my worth.

I am not worthless, because he has paid for me. And that gives me so, so much worth.