The Darkness and the Light

I feel the darkness coming again.

I see it sweep over the land in a breath. I see it creep out of the crevices of idols man has built and gazed up at in awe and adoration, and wash over the worshippers like a flood. I see it in the land, the sky, the sea — it pollutes, it stalks, it kills.

I see it in me. This darkness that lies in wait behind the boned cage of my body. In the networks of my mind, zipping through cobwebbed corridors and waiting for the moment to explode through the front doors of my consciousness. In the deep recesses of my heart, groaning and shouting to break out in just one word, action, or thought. In my eyes, enticing me to look and feast upon the desires of my sinful flesh.

This darkness, which finds its means of escape. And as it takes off it leaves me behind: a shell, broken by my own weakness and neglect. A mere human creature that now stands in the blinding light of God’s justice and is reminded,

“God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.”

1 John 1:5

I see the stains, the scars, the burns I have inflicted upon myself. I scrub my body raw to remove the filth and the soot clinging to it — to no avail. There is nothing I can do.

But just as the darkness is about to envelop me…I see it. A hand — a pierced hand, a broken hand, but a hand of strength, power, and infinite mercy — reaches out to me from the light. It doesn’t turn me away, it doesn’t slap me, it doesn’t point me to the road leading to the black gates of the evil one’s dominion. It takes hold of my own as if to keep it, to cherish it — to love it.

I cling to the hand like the lifebuoy of a ship, pleading for it to keep me afloat in the darkness that surrounds me and yearns to come out of me and take me down into its depths. I cry out to the light,

‘“God, have mercy on me, a sinner.’”

Luke 18:13

What I hear next does not drown me in hell’s poisoned floodwaters. No — it’s like honey, seeping into the pores of my being, filling me with a hope I didn’t dare believe existed for a wandering soul like me.

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“‘For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.’”

John 3:16-17

I get up in haste to run into the light — but just as quickly as it came, the light is gone. I look around anxiously to see where it went but see nothing. The road on which I stand is the same as before the light appeared. The darkness is still there…

…But no longer does it look sensuous, appealing, desirable, tempting. All I can see is how black, how ugly, how sickening it appears.

I feel something heavy in my hands. But it’s not a heaviness that weighs me down — it’s more of a strength, a power that steadies my hands and keeps them from falling. I look down and see a book, turned to a page with these words shining before my eyes:

“For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light…and find out what pleases the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:8

Holding the book tightly to my chest, I begin to walk in the direction where the light appeared. And as I walk, I catch a glimmer of the light — a beacon — off in the distance ahead of me, guiding me home.

“…(Jesus) said, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life'” (John 8:12).

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Photo by Jenni Mickelson