I Fail.

I’m a failure.

So every week for over six months, I’ve come here and talked about my depression and the comfort that comes from knowing that Jesus loves even me, even when my heart lies. Jesus really died for the entire world. He really rose again. He really adopted me into his family when I was baptized.

These things are true. I cannot change them. My feelings do not change them. The lies my heart whispers do not change them.

But despite what I write here, despite sounding like such an expert…

A few weeks ago my Bride, kids, and I went to a family reunion. It was wonderful to see everyone again. But one night I lay in bed, and depression defeated me.

“You know they’re only putting up with you. Remember that thing you said? They got mad at you. You ruined the relationship you have with them. And they’re right to be angry. You have nothing to offer, and all you do is take and take and take and take. You’re a failure.”

And then the depression got especially cruel: “Yep. You know that I’m telling you lies, and you still believe me, don’t you? That’s because you’re that big a failure. You can’t even stand up to something that you know isn’t true.

“You. Are. Nothing.”

And the depression was right. I do know better.

Didn’t matter.

I knew they were lies and I believed them anyway. I know I am God’s child, adopted by baptism, paid for by the death of Jesus. It didn’t matter. The depression held me firm and convinced me that I am worthless, that I am nothing, that I should hide away and it would be better for everyone.

So… now what? Does that mean I’m a fraud? Does that mean that everything I’ve written here is useless?

Nope.

Truth is truth, no matter if you believe it or not.

And that night, I just held on. I knew that come the dawn, I would be fine again. I knew that God’s mercies were new every morning.

You see, it’s true: It’s not about my strength or what I do. It’s about what God has done and continues to do. He has claimed me as his own, and depression will not force him away from me. I may not feel him, but that doesn’t mean he’s absent.

And it was true. The next day, I was fine. The depression went and hid away, waiting to strike sometime later. God’s mercies were new again.

I write this so that hopefully you can be encouraged if, like me, you fail. I want you to know: It’s ok. It’s ok when the depression attacks. It’s ok to fail.

Because God is bigger than our failure. Because Jesus won the victory over death itself. Compared to death, depression ain’t a big deal. And Jesus shares his victory with you.

I am a failure, but Jesus is not. And Jesus says that he stands with me. And even when I fail, his mercies are new every morning.

Even the morning after depression wins.