Fighting Peace

The clock reads 2:00 am. All is quiet. I’m blissfully slumbering away, getting much-needed rest after what can often be long, trying days with my dear toddler daughter. Then, I hear it. My heart sinks. My mind is baffled again. Why won’t she just stay asleep?

My beloved Laura has become almost notorious for her late night chatter. She’ll wake more often than not during the middle of the night, usually between the hours of 2:00 and 3:00 am, for upwards of an hour and a half. Does she cry? No. Does she get out of bed? No. Does she need her Mommy and Daddy in any way? No. What does she do for those hours? She talks. And talks. And talks. It’s the oddest thing I’ve ever heard of as far as toddler sleep is concerned. She literally just laughs and gabs for hours. To whom? Your guess is as good as mine. She unknowingly fights sleep, rest, and peace almost every night.

Because I’m one of those semi-paranoid moms who when she hears her child awake cannot fall asleep herself, I often find myself listening to her and wondering, “Why? Why doesn’t she just rest? Why doesn’t she realize that she will be a happier camper the next day if she just slept decently the night before? Why, oh why, does she continually fight peace and quiet?”

Light bulb… it hit me one night around 3:00 am—I do the very same thing. I fight real peace even more than my sweet daughter wages war against a whole night’s rest.

Now, I’m not talking about sleeping through the night. Obviously, any tired and exhausted parent would just about give their right arm for regular, decent sleep and given the chance I’d fall sound asleep anywhere. No, I’m talking about rest and peace from all the sin, guilt, and worry I force on myself every single day. Just like my daughter who would rather chatter away than sleep, I turn towards mind-consuming worry and guilt, rather than towards Jesus.

Shamefully I’ve been known to search for peace in all of the wrong and worst places—the latest parenting articles, TV show pop psychologists, food, shopping…the list could go on and on. I find ways to distract myself from where I can instantly find soul-comforting peace. Just like Laura, I’d rather do the silliest things than just lay down my everything at the foot of the cross.

Jesus clearly tells me where my peace and true soul’s rest lies. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27). He won the war. He saved my soul with his innocent life, death, and resurrection. I lack nothing because of His awe-inspiring grace, mercy, and goodness.

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A pastor friend of mine recently shared a sermon with me that literally drove home into my heart the very core of this message. In his sermon Pastor Tullian Tchividjian said,

The peace that you and I desire when everything seems to be falling apart will not come from discovering the competent hero within, but from realizing that no matter how you feel or what you are going through you have already been discovered by the hero without.”

Every time I feel the anxiety, worry, and mommy guilt that I so often allow myself to be plagued with, I am looking to me to be the savior from my troubles. Instead, when it’s all turned over in prayer and petition to Jesus, I am free, filled with the only real peace… the peace of God. Jesus obliterated the rift between God and me. Because he made peace with God on my behalf, I have the peace of God–I have Jesus. I am liberated from the compulsive need to have it all in my control because Jesus has given me everything that I truly could ever need.

By grace alone, Jesus takes my worries, my wants, and my cares to the cross and leaves them there. When, by the Spirit’s power, I am able to shut off my sinful know-it-all, do-it-my-way mind, there is indescribable peace. I need nothing more. In Him alone, I find what I so desperately and foolishly search for everywhere else. Like the moment when Laura finally gives it up and closes her eyes, giving way to much-needed rest, the second I return to where I belong, with my heart focused on Jesus, I rest… I have peace beyond understanding.

Dear Jesus,

You have given me all I need—perfect peace—through your death and resurrection. Forgive me for the innumerable times I have failed to turn to you and have instead searched for rest in all the wrong and worldly things. Give me your Spirit that I may lay all my cares at your feet, trusting in You alone. You are true peace.

In your name, I pray. Amen.