Hi. I have depression.
I’m Luke. I’m a pastor. I have depression.
Of course, if you read my last post you probably didn’t need me to tell you that. That post presents a normal reality for who I am and what I struggle with. In March 2014 I experienced a difficult time of ministry. The circumstances… really don’t matter much today. But one day I couldn’t get out of bed. It wasn’t that I was too tired. It wasn’t that I had nothing to do. I had work to do and I was rested.
I could not physically move myself from the bed. And that’s when I knew I had to get some sort of help.
By March 30, I had an initial diagnosis of depression and possible bipolar disorder from my family physician; she recommended I see a specialist for a more solid diagnosis. I considered leaving the ministry immediately. How could a pastor have bipolar disorder? I had served enough people who struggled with it. Can you imagine what would happen if a pastor was called to console the mourning while he was having a manic episode? If he was laughing and hyper when the people around him needed gentle comfort?
At the same time, I felt relief. The demon that plagued me had a name.
The darkness had a designation. And now that it had a designation, perhaps it could be fought. I began counseling with a nearby pastor to address my depression.
On May 4th, I received an official diagnosis: Clinical depression, not bipolar. The doctor told me that meds were optional. I struggled with whether or not to take them; I eventually declined for reasons we’ll talk about in a later post.
The counseling helped. Immensely.
And the reason it helped… was that it took me to Jesus. It helped me identify the lies my heart spoke. It helped me see the deceits I had trusted. And it took me to the truth.
So don’t allow this thing price of viagra pills to happen in future. Based on the information, a couple is taken into account infertile if they are unable to give birth to a baby inside six months of unprotected sexual activity (or 12 months if the girl is above viagra for cheap 35 years old), based on the INCIID (International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination). For azoospermia caused by varicocele, testicular biopsy may determine whether this disease can get recovery, which are helpful in erectile function. (Remember, the spongy tissue in 5mg generic cialis the prostate region using an advanced acoustic ablation method that utilizes the powers of an ultrasound. The cialis samples http://robertrobb.com/yearning-for-a-state-budget-process-that-used-to-be/ process would normally be initiated as a result of sexual arousal or stimulation, as signals are transmitted from the affected area to the brain cells.That Jesus has already won the fight. That Jesus loves me. That he is not ashamed of me. That he claims me. That he forgives me.
That it is not my burden to carry.
I was pointed again and again to my identity. I am not my depression. I am not my failures. I am not my shame.
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)
I am a child of God.
I have depression. Jesus has me.
Over the next weeks, we’ll will address a number of issues relating to depression. We’ll see that depression is nothing new. We’ll examine several causes as well as some of the effects of depression in daily life. I’ll also give some advice on how to handle depression and some encouragement as well.
I hope you don’t share my struggle. It is not one I would wish on you. If you do suffer from depression, I hope these posts provide a tool to help. If you don’t experience these kinds of lows, my hope is that these posts will help you understand those around you who have depression and equip you to help them bear their burdens when they need your help. For all, I pray that God uses these posts to deepen your praise of the God who loves us in every shame.
Luke Italiano
Luke Italiano is a pastor in Florence, KY. He has a beautiful bride and four children. He's a self-confessed geek. He also loves a story well-told.
12 Comments
Lenore
I remember the “What’s the use?” when the disability, diagnosis came. It was challenging enough to give God the glory as wife and mother and nurse. Where is the glory in this?
I can’t remember all the steps but Jesus was in front, behind, beside, lifting up, always. In humility I learned the glory was always his and during and after recovery he had me right in the middle of where he wanted me to serve. And I thought I had to be good to do that. And he made me good!
Luke Italiano
I do remember “relaxing” into the diagnosis — I wasn’t fighting the depression for a while. It was rough. But in the end, it was also relief — it was something known.
I’m glad that Jesus has carried and continues to carry you!
Ragamuffin
Thank you for bringing this topic into the Light of God’s Word. Looking forward to reading more.
Luke Italiano
Thank you for your encouragement! (Also, I love your screenname — I’ll be quoting both Brennan Manning and Rich Mullins later in this series!)
Elmer Baacke
Late in the evening of May 2, 2013 two Milwaukee police officers knocked on our door and asked if the could enter our home. Once inside, they shared news that changed our lives. The had the sad duty to tell us that my wife’s 28-year-old daughter had died by suicide three days earlier. Amber lived about 150 miles away from Milwaukee and it had taken the authorities that long to find where we lived. Amber had been fighting the demons in her head for many years, a battle she fought alone. Amber was a Christian who, as an infant was baptized and confirmed, attended and graduated from a Lutheran elementary and a Lutheran high school prior to graduating from a public university with a double major. Yet, the demons of mental illness, including, depression temporarily won. Amber loved to journal. In the 15-20 notebooks we received from the police, we learned of Amber’s battles. We also learned of her desire to be able to help others who silently fight their mental illnesses, too. Because of her journals, we formed Amber’s Last Promise, a 501 (c)(3) non-profit whose three primary goals are to raise awareness of mental illness, seek to eliminate the stigma that associates itself with mental illness and drastically reduce the number of suicides in our SE Wisconsin communities. If you’d like to learn more about our effots, please visit our webite, AmbersLastPromise.org.
Hungry Beggar
Elmer! Thank you so much for this detailed comment and for sharing the information on the Amber’s Last Promise resource. We will be sure to check it out. The three goals that you listed are powerful. The intent of this series is specifically to focus on the first two of those goals and Lord willing carry out that third as well. Thanks for connecting with us.
Luke Italiano
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing. Christians struggle with darkness just as much as others, and sometimes we forget that. Thank you for sharing that resource — I need to check it out!
Chris
Thank you so much for sharing your story and the hope that we all share in Jesus. One comment gave me pause and that is your decision not to use medication. I am sure you will explain this further but medication is a literal lifeline for many Christians and is an appropriate treatment option for some. I am hopeful that you will not discount that for some because it was not the solution for you. I have seen the effects of medication actually free a person to better see things clearly and actively live in their Christian service more fully. Chemical imbalances that alter mental functions are treatable….and there are numerous sound approaches to do so. May God bless your journey, your blog and use you to bring a solid Christian perspective to the challenges—and victories—of mental health.
Lenore
I agree with Chris about medication also being a tool of discretion by the believer and his physician. I only know my ‘case’. I was not accurately diagnosed for 14 years (bipolar) and also received a med that freed me from that
recycling disruption. I liked being in school but I do not always enjoy God’s University of Adversity. It has been one of his greatest gifts, however.
Luke Italiano
I’m sorry it took me so long to respond — I didn’t see this comment!
YES. Meds are a blessing that God has given and can certainly be used by a Christian! I’ll explain my reasoning later for my not taking meds. What you wrote, I agree with!
Jason Jonker
I am glad to hear that your illness sent you to Christ. Our WELS church holds a weekly substance abuse support group and most of us have struggled with anxiety and depression.
After praying and wrestling with God about members who relapsed, I arrived a deeper understanding of our frailty and God’s grace. These members weren’t less spiritual, weren’t less repentant, weren’t less forgiven.
I came to see that man who told sinners to forgive 70 x 7 times, is gracious and forgiving beyond our expectations. He is uncomfortably merciful and delights to show us that where we are weak, he is strong.
Many of us find ourselves in the strange position of actually being grateful for our addiction because it has strengthened our faith and our hope in Christ.
The lessons you learned regarding depression are equally applicable to addiction:
“That Jesus has already won the fight. That Jesus loves me. That he is not ashamed of me. That he claims me. That he forgives me.
That it is not my burden to carry”
All praise to him!
http://www.restinjesus.org
Luke Italiano
“He is uncomfortably merciful and delights to show us that where we are weak, he is strong.” — I love your phrasing!
Yes, I’ve found that the lesson of God showing himself in our weaknesses is applicable not just to my depression — I’ve often found myself nodding along when people with addictions describe where they’re at. And all glory to Jesus when he uses that to show us himself!