The Queen of Excuses

She’s teething. She didn’t nap well. She’s out of her routine. She’s just hungry. She’s just being the toddler she is. She’s strong willed. She’s extra independent. She’s feeding off my bad mood. She’s not being stimulated enough. She’s over stimulated. She must be getting sick. She’s just like her mother. She’s just like her father.

Excuses, excuses, excuses…

I’ve recently had a big “Aha!” moment, an embarrassing and shameful one at that. I am the Queen of Excuses and Analyst Extraordinaire when it comes to my child’s behavior.

Every time that Laura is the slightest bit fussy, naughty, or anything other than wonderful, my postmodernist psychology kicks in and I try to find the elusive “Why?” After all, if I follow any parenting pop psychology today there’s got to be some underlying reason why Laura is behaving in any way other than the good, sweet girl I know she is.

Let me give you a scenario that happens in my house. Laura has been told not to touch our computer printer because she has less than a delicate touch most of the time. She loves pulling the paper tray out and opening and closing the scanner lid. Both my husband and I have watched as Laura has crept up to said printer with a sneaky little grin on her face…the “I want. Gimme. Gimme. Gimme,” twinkle in her eye. We also have witnessed her follow our warnings as she’s approaching and stopped herself (yay!). But all too often she turns and looks at us, then proceeds to as quickly as she can grab at the paper tray. While this may seem like just the curiosity of a toddler reaching its exploratory prime (note: this is the current psychology trends’ take on such behavior), it’s, simply put, disobedience. She very well knows she’s not supposed to touch the printer and she sets out to do so anyway. Why? Because she wants to.

Notice I’m not implying that my daughter is setting out to directly disobey her parents—that would give my 20 month old way too much credit for higher order thinking. No, she just wants something she’s not supposed to have. Current theories would go so far as saying that I have failed her if she’s acting out in this way. That surely I must give her more experiences exploring things or that there’s a need I haven’t met because she feels the need to “act out.” If she’s being bad there must be a reason, one that must be found and fixed so I can have my sweet little lady back.

There’s the problem with current parenting psycho-babble, isn’t it? My child, just like me, isn’t inherently good. King David, finally dealing with his sin with Bathsheba, said it best when he wrote, “Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.” (Psalm 51:5) David didn’t say his problem was roof tops and beautiful women bathing in their back yards and if he could just stay off the roof and away from beautiful bathing women he’d be ok. No, he said, “My problem is sin and the fact that I am a sinner.”

Laura, my 20 month old toddler, is a sinner. By her very own nature, she can’t choose anything other than what is self-serving and self-satisfying. “I want. I need. I must have… and don’t you try to stop me.” Yes, that’s her mentality (isn’t it shamefully mine most of the time, too?). I fear that too often I’ve actually kept Laura from hearing about her Savior simply by not addressing her sin. If I don’t point out her sins, how will she know she’s in need of Jesus? Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” (Matthew 19:14) Often I am to blame for hindering her learning about and feeling the need for Jesus if I don’t help her to see her own sinfulness.
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I must admit that I’ve fallen prey to the parenting philosophies of the times instead of counting on the timeless, changeless Word of God. I’ve been told to seek out the deep reason for naughty behavior and try not to squash her little spirit in doing so. And furthermore if I don’t find out the deep reason and handle it ever so delicately, she will surely be messed up for life. Truthfully Laura doesn’t need a Mommy who spends so much time trying to analyze her according to the current parenting trends, but one who does the job of parenting that God has designed.

So enough making excuses. Of course that doesn’t mean Drill Sergeant Mommy is coming on the scene, but instead of wasting parenting time searching for deep-seeded reasons for bad behavior, I’m going to chalk it up to sinful nature, plain and simple. I’m going to do whatever I can to stop the sinful behavior as quickly as possible. In the example with the printer, I say to her as I’m helping her move away from the printer, “Mommy said you are not allowed to touch the printer.” I take her out of the room usually to her protest and put her down on her time-out rug (or sad stool or cool down spot…whatever you want to call it!). She’s there because I won’t engage her crying and arguing.

When she’s done and ready to “use her words” I welcome her back to me. Then I get to do the absolute best part of parenting: shower my child with Jesus’ grace. I get to pick her up, give her a hug, and tell her I forgive her. I say to her that Jesus forgives her and loves her. I remind her of the unconditional love that Jesus has for her by saying, “Jesus always loves you. I forgive you for not listening to me and so does he.”

In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.  (Ephesians 1:7-8)

Instead of all that wasted mental energy, following the lead of those who’d rather point to themselves than Christ and reasoning away behavior, I get to share Jesus with Laura. Rather than keep the focus on the cause of bad behavior, my mind is now freed up to figure out all the ways I can focus our lives on Jesus. Laura’s sins, like all, are washed away, forgotten by our gracious Father in heaven because of Jesus’ death and resurrection

Dear Father in heaven,

Thank you for never leaving or forsaking me, even when I turn from you. Forgive me for getting caught up in the mentality of this world. Forgive for forgetting that you’ve laid out the blueprints for parenting in your Word. Help me to remember that you know my heart and have sent your Son, Jesus, to cleanse me of all sinful behaviors—thoughts, words, and actions. Help me show my child your grace in everything I do.

In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen. 

Photos HT: CreationSwap and Heath Croft blog (Creative Commons)